arrrr you serious?

I'm starting to think that Russia is kind of an insane-ass country. Like, really dangerously insane:

Russian yacht owners will begin offering "pirate hunting" vacations to those interested in wielding AK-47's and shooting at pirates off the coast of Somalia.

Tickets aboard the ocean liners, which will cruise at about five miles per hour in an attempt to attract pirates, will cost about US$5,000, with AK-47's and ammunition available for rent each day

it comes with six!

legislate this all up in that ass

Having spent four years in Louisiana, I am well aware that things down there can get a little out of control from time to time. Here is a video of what actually goes down on the floor of the Louisiana State Legislature. Why its none other than noted one hit wonder "Hurricane Chris" expounding on the virtues of big bootys and why he feels that they should be dropped to the floor:

[via Gawker; HT to Harpoon]

tweet tweet tweet, bitch!

SAN FRANCISCO—Creator Jack Dorsey was shocked and saddened this week after learning that his social networking device, Twitter, was being used to disseminate pertinent and timely information during the recent civil unrest in Iran. "Twitter was intended to be a way for vacant, self-absorbed egotists to share their most banal and idiotic thoughts with anyone pathetic enough to read them," said a visibly confused Dorsey, claiming that Twitter is at its most powerful when it makes an already attention-starved populace even more needy for constant affirmation. "When I heard how Iranians were using my beloved creation for their own means—such as organizing a political movement and informing the outside world of the actions of a repressive regime—I couldn't believe they'd ruined something so beautiful, simple, and absolutely pointless." Dorsey said he is already working on a new website that will be so mind-numbingly useless that Iranians will not even be able to figure out how to operate it.

via TheOnion

and then there were two

The CL auto department has some tough decisions to make. We have scoured the entire market and determined that the two most badass cars currently available stateside are the following:

One Dodge Challenger and one Chevorlet Camaro. If I knew how to make polls, I would, but thats far too complex for this guy. If you have strong feelings one way or the other now is the time; see you in the comments!

love that chicken

This sick tat goes out to my main man MMS who may or may not be studying drug trafficing currently in the most dangerous place in this hemiphere.

it has swords

gangs of dc

Appartently its not so much a gang problem we have, but really these "crews" that are causing all the trouble. Listen, like any oppotunistic capitalist, this chart tells me one thing: its time to start a gang in Ward 3 (includes Gtown, Tenelytown, Foxhall, etc) - who is ready to roll with me on these crackas? Now accepting applications to ride on these fools.

thanks sis

This is too money not to completely rip off (via The Foggy Monocle):

Brother: WTF did you do in my car last night?
Brother: i’ve been waiting for you to get online so i can yell at you
Sister: uhhh, what are you talking about?
Brother: when i let you borrow it last night for your “dinner date” i told you to be careful with it
Brother: as i had a sales call and would probably be driving around clients this morning
Sister: i was!
Brother: oh yeah?
Brother: then what was a used condom doing in the back?
Sister: what?
Sister: gross!
Brother: you have no idea how mad i am, the client noticed it
Brother: i’m about to have a FUCKING meltdown
Sister: pfff please that wasn’t from me!
Brother: sure
Sister: you probably left it in there
Brother: i’m 32 years old, i don’t have sex in my car anymore, i do it in my house
Sister: Ha! when was the last time that happened?
Brother: fuck off, honestly just SHUT THE FUCK UP
Brother: when i let my little sister borrow my car i don’t expect her to have sex with a random guy in it
Brother: i’m letting you live rent free while you get things worked out and this is how you repay me?
Sister: oh fuck off you saint
Brother: really? REALLY?
Brother: that’s all you have to say about this
Sister: well even if i did do it, which i didn’t, you should’ve at least applauded me for practicing safe sex
Brother: you’re getting it cleaned professionally tonight, i dont care how broke you are
Brother: how the fuck are these clients going to take me seriously when there’s a fucking used condom in my car?
Sister: i’d worry about upgrading from a Chrysler Lebaron first
Brother signed off at 12:32 PM

ok its friday and i'm fucking mailing it in

good thing no blogger has ever kissed a girl

keepin it mad professional up in this bitch

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please say the baby

Best. criagslist. ad. ever. this ad is so high in the sky/ it shit on you and your bitch:

My son is turning 16 and really wanted Lil Wayne to perform for his birthday gala. Unfortunately his schedule will not permit him to make it. I need a Lil Wayne impersonator desperately.

Here is the kicker my son is blind so you do not need to look like the rapper just sound like him. I understand he grunts and mumbles a lot. I don’t care if you are 67 and Jewish if you can sing the songs you’re hired. Money is not an issue. Name your price. Interested individuals please let me know your rap experience, video of you performing as Lil Wayne would be better. If that is not feasible we can arrange for a live audition.

Serious inquiries only, this is very important to my family. Young Money Baby!

[HT: ZG]

word of the day

Because I work in a part of town where white people do not usually venture (or people assume this fact because its easier to base judgements on assumptions rather than facts and people are fucking lazy), said white people think that I work in the 'oooh-scary-do-you-wear-kevlar-ghetto part of the city. Excellent piece over on the GGW on the overuse/under-analyzation* of this silly term:

The term "ghetto" is often an overused and stereotypical term used to describe urban culture and residential communities (continued . . .)

*likely not an actual word.

and we are back

I recently returned from Strong Island (not the poor trashy part but rather the entitled, douchey part) and I have this to report*:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Long Island Wants to Secede
thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Jason Jones in Iran

ask not what your country can do for you

But ask, "What can you do for your country"? I'll tell you what - shotgun a beer [via NYT]:

A 2004 study by Frank Sloan and Jan Ostermann at Duke University found that heavy drinkers contribute slightly more to Social Security, through their higher average lifetime earnings, than nondrinkers do. What’s more, since alcohol abusers tend to die sooner than moderate or nondrinkers, they draw less money, over time, from the Social Security trust fund.

So, get off your ass and get out there! Pitch the fuck in!

always sunny

Aight, uno mas video before I dip. Apparently the Penguin is kinda crude. And also a bawse: drinking at 8 am, go 'head playboi.

wise chicken says

So the CL executive team is dipsetting out to the Hamptons for a minute. See you Monday, fuckers!

you can find me inda club

Me, yes, I'll be there but not this fucking loser. The highest paid cheerleader* in the NBA is not welcomed behind the velvet rope since no one knows who the fuck he is. That'll happen when you suck at what you do and end up fading into irrelevance. Btw Damon, you owe me $50 for writing about your has-been ass.

*Have to credit CL reader ZG with establishing the nickname 'cheerleader' for Damon (since he spends so much time watching the game from the sidelines, zing. Also, he has a vagina).

grand slam

Obama Drastically Scales Back Goals For America After Visiting Denny's

things I don't want in my hood: a-holes

Appartently its a tough economy out there as even millionaires are having trouble finding decent housing. In Buffalo! 

The Bills’ high-profile receiver’s search for a place to live in the Buffalo area has hit a snag after Owens said he was denied a chance to rent a home in Orchard Park because of the potential “drama” he might bring to the neighborhood

When you are looking to move to a neighborhood, it helps if everyone in the country does know that you are a selfish prick.

got hops?

[HT: TBL]

the only way to travel

that girl is posion

get brain like er'y day ima know it all

This fucker has been in my head all day (pause) - holla

typcical Georgetown redneck. wait, what?

Above is a red pickup truck recently spotted by a reader in what appears to be Georgetown (where the rich are middle class and the middle class are poor).  This appears to to be the Team Shocker mobile.  If you are unfamiliar with the Shocker as it were, they have done you the courtesy of explaining it directly above their bumper.  Excellent use of subtlety. 

wow, that bad huh?

Most NFL fans acknowledge that current ESPN analyst Matt Millen was the worst GM in at elast the last decade or so.  Fans openly hated his attroctious decision making which have left the Lions the least respected team in the game (if it wasnt for Carson Palmer the Bungles might own this title).

Well one of my favorite Redskins writers has gone and prepared this little chart for everyone.  The huge difference is that Vinny is still fucking things up while Millen was finally fired.

I could use this space to detial the trainwreck that is Vinny Cerrato's body of work (pause?) but I will spare my readers this sad, sad tale.

that's because its already too late

If you happen to live in or around Georgia, watch the fuck out!  There are tanks!

do not ask about omlettes

[HT: deadspin]

money on my mind

Un-Broke: The Seth Green Cribs Edition - watch more funny videos

If only folks listened more to Seth Green and less to 50 Cent, our housing crisis might be slightly less painful.

[HT: TBL]

you both lose

Over-educated white people like to show you how worldly they are by discussing their favorite football clubs from various European ligas where said kids clearly studied abroad. The below clip is why this sport will not work out too well in the USA as it filled with whiny bitches who try to see who can act like a bigger pussy to win a free kick. We don't value that on this side of the pond.

Unless your name is LeBron, then you get a free "cry like a bitch when a gaurd who weighs 80 lbs less then you touches you" pass. I know, long for name a pass, right?

paper towels are legit

Fold it up, tear it up, now you got like a million little skwaehs.