No Romo

Merry Christmas to all my tremendous readers. I hope you all got what you wanted. Me and the other Redskins fans were treated to our annual Cowboys December Choke-fest. It was freakin' awesome. In addition, apparently Tony Romo collapsed in the shower after predictably shitting the bed in Philly. I bet his millions of dollars and celebrity girlfriend (ed: functionally retarded) offer him no comfort since very influential bloggers like myself consider him to be a huge fucking loser.

It's Science.

Awesome study finds that smart kids are more likely to become boozers. I find this comforting since I know a lot of smart kids who drink a shit load; thus this tends to confirm my observed preconceptions which may or may not be related to the fact that I attended a relatively prestigious university in the boozing capital of North America. Good old confirmation bias, its the jam!

In a related note, I have attended the timeless Preakness Stakes (in lovely Baltimore, MD) for the last eight years and can wholeheartedly confirm that there are plenty of dumb ass kids who get drunk as fuck.

Go figure.

"those are IOUs, they're just as good as money"

Haha this is awesome. Its typical this time of year to hear lots of hubbub about the excessive Wall St bonuses paid out to bankers. As a former banker myself, I find this clever plan by Credit Suisse perfectly ironic.

"The bank will use leveraged loans and commercial mortgage- backed debt, some of the securities blamed for generating the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression, to fund executive compensation packages"

Basically, banks fucked up by writing shitty loans and packaging them into securities that they thought were much, much less risky than the loans themselves (in theory). Turns out someone egghead forgot to carry the one and now we're in a fucking recession.

Thanks for all you help douchey McBankerson, here is your much deserved holiday bonus. Whats that? No, no, no its just like cash, just much less valuable and liquid. Happy Holidays!

Periodic Table

Nearly perfect. I would have replaced William Shatner with these guys though.

don't, push, me cuz . .

Me and all the other non-bammas in this town are kickin Old School tonight chief. Dust off your shell tops and get you some:

drop it like its hot

Whats up my very attractive readers? Are you headed home for some drunken and possibly awkward times with the folks? I know I am (4 miles from here).

Anyways, I thought I would go ahead and make all your lives much easier by introducing you to this beast ass file sharing website (not for stealing music):

drop.io

I use this bad boy at work to share large files and it is fucking money. Theres mad features that I don't even know about too. But check it out next time you need to send some shit.

One.

G force

This is why I probably will not ever be a Top Gun:

Damn it feels good to be a . . .

Wealthly ass bankers don't miss goals, cuz wealthy ass bankers know Black Scholes.

Dickhead of the Week

This week's dickhead is one Bud Selig. He recently decided that he would force some of his lowest paid workers (most minor leaguers make less than $1500/month) to tighten their belts a bit since MLB is hurting financially.

"According to two of Tony's sources, Major League Baseball recently denied a proposal that would have increased the amount of road meal money that minor leaguers receive each day.

Oh, it wasn't anything life changing — the daily total would only have been upped to $25 from $20 — but MLB is said to have conveniently cited the flagging economy as a reason.

Yes, the same MLB that reported $6 billion in revenue in 2007 and oversees teams handing out $161 million contracts to one pitcher is the one that's putting the kibosh on a plan that had already been approved by all 30 minor league directors and then by all 30 GMs."

This is kind of fucking nuts when you listen to this fuckbag talk about how MLB is rolling in fucking money.

Selig says, "When you look at the final numbers and you see what's happened, it's remarkable. There are times, honestly, when I have to pinch myself to make sure all of this is happening. ... Growth and revenue, growth and profitability; it's just been really, really good."

He then went on to kick a puppy and shove an old woman to the floor

Sick song

Remember Sonic? He was much faster than that Italian plumber guy (probably due to him taking less mushrooms). Anyway, here is a beast ass song from Sonic 2 (total classic).

Gooooooaaaaaallll

We're gonna jump this rainy Tuesday off with some bitchin' shots from the beautiful game:


Stupid Funny Goals - Watch more funny videos here

Jesus saves

Note to sign makers: Tom Jefferson kinda fucked up your agenda about 230 years ago when he penned the First Amendment. Dagger. For you.

Team Wheelan

So apparently their appears to be a political vacancy in Illinois for some reason or another. I would like to offer my not-eligible-to-vote-in-Illinois support to my main man Chuck Wheelan (ed: I have no idea if he goes by chuck, but he should). He is one of my favorite authors and is way smarter (not to mention more pragmatic and humble) than any of the bozos I seen running the country these days.

Here is a quick video that shows how he's a big picture guy as he ends his summation talking about the two most important problems facing our nation, human capital development (education) and federal entitlement programs (Social Security and Medicare/Medicaid).

Every little bit helps.

Yahoo! Finance's Charles Wheelan on recession indicators @ Yahoo! Video

Party time.

Dude! Please do not come to my fucking party!

on the beach with a few club sodas

Current TV

From now on, I think I will only watch this channel. I found it the other day and it is fucking money. Find the channel in your 'errea and check this shit out. This morning, as opposed to my usual 15 mins or so of these bosos using tired cliches, non-insightful "analysis" and telling me who is more "Now", I instead caught a little piece about the highest base jump ever.

Spring Break!

The included picture is a good example of why texting can be a real double edged sword: sure you can communicate with your friends without having to actually listen to them, but you can also completely ruin your "gr8" vacation with one little fuckup. Dagger. Dagger indeed.

Invent Destiny

This man is without a doubt, crushing the shit out of life.

Tea leaves

Please go ahead and pause for a second next time some very wise individual predicts the future movements in the value of any index. They are full of shit and should be questioned with a healthy dose of skepticism.

Remember when everyone thought oil would go to $200? What's that? They were way the fuck off on that one?

Commercial Mortgage Backed Securities could do no wrong?

The Falcons will suck in 2008?

Really?

Crazy news yesterday - apparently there is some politician from Chicago who may or may not be brazenly corrupt. Speaking about selling the now vacant Senate seat in Illinois, Mr Governor said the following:

“I’ve got this thing,” Mr. Blagojevich said on one recording, according to the affidavit, “and it’s fucking golden. And I’m just not giving it up for fucking nothing. I’m not going to do it. And I can always use it. I can parachute me there.”

My favorite part thus far is that he was opposed to the video game GTA IV since it sets a bad example. He even passed a law to limit its distribution. I guess the video game lobby wouldn't "play ball."

Apparently corruption is nothing new in the Windy City; past practitioners include:

"Bathhouse" John Coughlin Coughlin's best known activity was the first ward ball, an annual fundraiser which brought together safecrackers, prostitutes, politicians, businessmen, gamblers, and others. The event would raise more than $50,000 a year for the two first ward aldermen until it was closed down in 1909 by Mayor Fred Busse. By the time it ended, the ball had moved into the Chicago Coliseum and ended in annual riots.

Big Bill Thompson, mayor from 1915 to 1923...

See also: Pat Marcy

Wow! Those guys know how to fucking abuse power with the best of them!

for me to poop on

Tough day at the office; please enjoy this muppet ragging on nerds. Its currently rated strong to very strong on the CL's bitchin ratings scale:

Merry Xmas!

I often have trouble picking out presents for my wacky family. Despite drastic differences about politics, philosophy and even basic interests, I think every single person will be getting what can only be described as probably the best gift I've ever given anyone, ever. Period.

thats whats up

This is why motherfuckers don't step to us. What's that Chile? You got a problem with my foreign policy? Why don't you take it up with my army of $361,000,000 fighter jets?

BEAST MODE

Today is Round 1 of Fantasy Football Playoffs. My sick ass team is led by this young gentleman, one Marshawn Lynch a.k.a. "Beast Mode" With all due respect to my good friend and author of hardpeaches who will remain nameless, I hope that Messrs Lynch and Evans light the Phins up like a Christmas Tree.

get well soon.

We here at the CL would like to wish a speedy recovery to our good friend and longtime drinking buddy, one Bear Grylls. Mr Grylls was recently injured doing something EXTREME in the Arctic. Bear is no stranger to injury as his military career ended when he fractured a couple vertebrae when his parachute ripped at 16,000 feet. He was laid up for 18 months before he fully recovered. Bear got back on his feet and celebrated by climbing Mount Everest. He then proceeded to start fucking shit up and created a beast ass show Man vs Wild where he kicks the shit out of nature with a knife and flint.

and my flow is so sick / chicken soup won't help

I think everyone on Earth has offended this guy. Myself included, as I was raised Roman Catholic. And I spend waaaay more time with TV than the bible. And other stuff on the poster. Yikes.

#21

I really had no choice but to post this jam:

This video changed my life

No words will do Mr Jones justice.

animals that I wish could not fly

Remember way back when I told everyone not to freak out about this financial crisis? Well, yeah, apparently mother fucking snakes are now fucking flying! So go ahead a start freaking out if you have not already done so. We're boned.

Heady Video of the day

I'm not sure where this "Canal City" is, but those fuckers know their falling water displays pretty well.

Fatherhood

Life is not all sun and fun in Cape Coral, Florida. Sometimes you want beer, but you are too fucking drunk to actually drive to the liquor store for more booze. Thankfully, some dude has solved this age old riddle by reproducing, waiting 9 long years, then handing the keys to his brand new designated driver. His ingenious problem solving is detailed below by local news:

pic o the day

Have to apologize about the lack of posts recently. My crazy employer has actually been demanding that I spend my time working as opposed to crafting bitingly witty blog posts about morons and their hi jinks. Total dagger I know! As a reward for bearing with me through these difficult times, please enjoy the above picture, featuring the Nut Mobile, which, ironically, looks rather penis-like if you ask me.

Hopefully I'll find some time tonight to pen a sarcastic paean about geopolitics. Or maybe a video of someone suffering some comical physical trauma. Likely the latter, but you never know!

i put on for my city

Welcome back from Thanksgiving kids!

One of the hardest transitions moving from New Orleans to D.C. was accepting the cruel reality that I can no longer stay out drinking in public past 3AM.

However, since our city is so fucking happy about Mr President Elect, we will likely be bending those facist 'rules' when an estimated 4,000,000 people come to town from Jan 17-21.

Party on Wayne!