more than meets the eye

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That's What's Up

Big ups to my man Jeff who runs (more or less) the admissions/recruiting squad down south.

That's in your face, other schools!

I was no psyc major, but I'll bet people really want to go here cuz its the fucking jam.

PS - I am so fucking lucky that fate intervened and prevented me from ending up at this incredibly weak school. I would be at least 3-4% less awesome had I spent my four years of blacked-out raging there, freezing my ass off.

Carl's Analysis:

[Hat tip: Pit Master]

Touchdown? High Fiiiive!

total dagger of the week

Yep being unconscious for three hours and losing you vision 110% qualifies as a Total Dagger.

lay off me I'm starving!!

[click to enlarge]

Like many of you, I have roommates. Also, like many of you, we occasionally eat each others food. However, we never stoop to emailing each other about it in that weak ass passive aggressive style of a perturbed colleague.

Confused? If you live with someone who sends you something like this, move out. Wait, first beat the fuck out of them with a bag of oranges for being a huge pussy, then move out.

go team!

There are gonna be soooo many Cardinals fans come Monday, you have been warned.

please sir, may I have some more?

In a shocking twist of fate the Big Three automakers (recent recipients of 14 BILLION fucking dollars) have decided to keep fucking the US taxpayer right in the bum. That is correct they are currently suing us. Why? Because they do not want to follow the laws that have been passed which would have tasked with the oh so onerous chore of actually building cars that people fucking want. And that don't kill the environment. No no, none of that. The big three will continue building gas guzzling cars that no one wants even when its against the law!

Fuck you America and your stupid 'laws' . . . please send more money.

deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder

This is what I found covering the ground this morning in our Nation's capital (minus drunk passed out chick). Fucking powder. Good for stoner snowboarders, bad for Hondas. Like everyone that ever attended school, I used to fucking love snow days. Unfortunately once you grow up, clients don't give a shit about you risking your neck driving through a blizzard, they just want their goddam TPS reports like yesterday goddammit. So now I kind of hate snow, since it just makes my otherwise mundane commute super fucking annoying. And much more dangerous.

In west Philadelphia born and raised

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

New Band of the Week

What up fuckers? Let me introduce you to a bitchin reggae group, Lionize. I saw these dudes rock the shit out of 9:30 club on Friday night and now I number among their 14 fans. Wait did I just praise them and joan on them in same sentence? Yes, that is some fucking high level criticism there honky. You're welcome.

And we're back

Wow rough couple days out there. Haven't been posting nearly as much as I should, but rest assured I managed to get in a very strong weekend (more on that later).

I'd like to celebrate my glorious return to blogging by engaging in one of America's favorite pastimes: Mailing-It-The-Fuck-In

me so sorry

Shockingly, the Chinese Government elected to censor our new President's eloquent inaugural speech. Mr Chinamen (apparently not the preferred nomenclature) just because your hard work has propelled your formerly Third World country up the economic ladder to become the fourth largest economny on the planet, do not go thinking that you have the right to make up your own mind about things.

To all my readers in the People's Republic, here what the leader of the free world actually said (and your government purposefully kept from you):

"Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions," Obama said in his speech.

State-run China Central Television broadcast the speech live, but when the translator mentioned communism, the channel suddenly cut to an awkwardly smiling news anchor who was clearly unprepared for the camera to return to her.

Another excerpt that did not make it past the Chinese censors was a warning from Obama to regimes that tried to quash opposing ideas, a sensitive issue in China where many dissidents languish in jail or are under police surveillance.

"To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history, but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist," Obama said.

get to know Alexander Semin

Yeah, he has a funny name, but my man Semin here is the real deal. Here are some of my favorite excerpts from a recent interview with the talented winger:

On how he and Ovie put up ridiculous numbers:
". . .we're playing for the same team and hockey is the team sport, and if a player is only thinking about his own statistics, then that's just selfish, and it's their business. My philosophy is that it doesn't matter how many points I get as long as the team wins. That's the right way."

On the playoffs:
"Every game is not just a game, but a real battle. You don't come out to play, you come out to fight."

He and AO are have helped our young squad score more goals than 25 of the 30 teams in the league this season.

Huge news from our Nation's Capital

That's right, they finally made a sequel to Ong Bak:




Oh yeah, and some people came to see something about someone.

Also, this happened in Dupont.

Super Bowl Preview

Not really, just the Deadspin comment of the day:

FriendsOfScottSisson
10:39 PM on Sun Jan 18 2009

I tried to simulate a Cardinals v. Steelers Super Bowl on Madden, and my 360 told me to go fuck myself.

Oh yeah, and fuck Pittsburgh. If I end up having to listen to my friend ZG remind me how they won two super bowls in three years, I will fucking kill myself. I also have a crazy theory that if they win this game, Bonehead Ben will be granted entry into Canton. Can you name a QB with two rings who isn't in there? Didn't think so. Let's all hope Kurt prays super hard for this victory and my man JC decides to turn his attention away from other matters and affect the outcome of a football game.

While this does not apply to ZG specifically since he has family there, I hate people who root for the Steelers for no reason other than they were dominant in the 70's; there are way more Steelers fans than there are people from Pittsburgh (pop: 312,000). If you are from some city with a shitty football team and have abondoned them for a team of your choosing, you are a fucking bitch. I am stuck with this gigantic tool of an owner but still proud of the Burgundy and Gold regardless. These colors do not run (we do trade away draft picks for aging veterans though).

my favorite beet farmer

"What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No. I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night.

"In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold.

"Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son, and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years, she's never taken another lover. I don't care, I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier."

sometimes you just gotta shut the fuck up

That's in your face you fucker.

Flyin Birds Down South

Sorry, this post has nothing to do with Rick Ross, Miami or transporting multiple kilograms of cocaine. Just that I think we should all think about relocating to Peru, where you are legally allowed to drink on the job.

On second thought, there could be some issues with this plan.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Recent convo fleshing out the costs an benefits of 'being a part of history' Tuesday in DC:

Jon: at least there's not a chance of "Crush Conditions" on the Metro
me: haha thats not a chance its a fact
Jon: or portapotties spilling over onto the crowd
here's what you should do
Invite over 400 of your closest friends
put your TV in the corner on the other side of the room
and then try and watch what's going on over their heads
That sounds about right to me
me: dude im 6'3
no problems
Jon: 6'2" 1/2
me: haha
Jon: they grow them big in the midwest
who do you think is going to be here?
Plus
HELLO
black people are tall
me: hahahah

That is correct, my friend 'Jon' just used the all caps HELLO.

Man Fails Faking Death, Tries It For Real

Crazy story about this dude Marcus Schrenke who recently attempted to fake his own death by parachuting from a private plane and letting it crash in the swamp. Let's bullet point this bitch:

• Marcus loses a fuckload of money by (allegedly) committing securities fraud.
• Wife files for divorce.
• He heads down south for his wild and crazy adventure.
• Charters plane on route to Destin, FL (a favorite destination of mine, especially McGuires)
• Bails from plane, plane crashes
• Convinces local yokel that he was "in a canoeing accident"
• Gets ride to town, picks up Crotch Rocket that the stashed in self storage unit
• Rides to campground
• Slits wrists
• Taken into custody

Don't forget the shake sauce!

Colleen, watch the fuck out!

I think any introduction would be doing this tremendous video a grave disservice, so here you are:

Not the Velveeta, the Cheddar Cheese

This dude, like me, is after that Cheddar Cheddar Cheese:



For those of you outside our nation's capital, that's the leader of the free world enjoying a half smoke with the Mayor at Ben's Chili Bowl, a DC institution and serious artery clogger.

Rock the Red

I caught the Caps beating the hated Flyers on Tues (intense as fuck), and I have decided to become a huge Caps fan. I wouldn't really call this an all out bandwagon jump, as I grew up going to Caps games (at the old Caps Center) with mi padre. The Capitals are a very well run organization (from what I can tell) and they are very young and have the best player in the world. Here's a message to all my fellow Redskins fans from some dude:

1. Max Wass Says:
   January 8th, 2009 at 1:41 am

   Welcome to the group of Washington Capitals fans, where you are treated with respect by the organization and its owners. This change can be shocking for those used to their experiences with the Redskins. But let me assure you that none of this is for show. You will attend games at a state-of-the-art sports facility located in the center of downtown D.C., easily reached by public transportation and surrounded by great restaurants and attractions. You will cheer for a team run by an incredibly accessible owner and a knowledgeable GM who uses the team’s draft picks smartly and does not spend several hours out of his week hosting a radio show. Don’t worry about losing anything though in the transition; the players are just as quirky (see their segway adventures) and the coach has just as many wacky sayings plus he looks like an egg. Again, welcome to the Washington Capitals and we hope you will be rocking the red for a long time to come.

Bail me out

Dear hardworking tax payer,

My industry has fallen on hard times. We repeatedly refused to innovate, let ourselves grow fat and complacent, and now are cutting jobs in order to avoid bankruptcy. Since you don't want to see your fellow Americans out of work, just give us a fatty blank check so we may continue down our unsustainable path of incompetence. Please blame foreign competition for any of our mistakes. Since we were born in America, we are simply entitled to a higher standard of living by right. Please continue to push for protectionist trade policies so I do not have to work so fucking hard for the standard of living that I simply deserve. They will always work out well.

Thanks,

Lazy Ass "Business" Executive

Everybody wants a bailout these days, even smut peddlers.

Its hard to believe that Calvin and Hobbes totally saw this coming, while most Americans were blissfully ignorant as usual.

Hopefully our new Commander in Chief will get us out of this mess. He appears to be off to a good start.

gchat

My friends and I love to talk shit. I think most dudes do this, but we are fucking nice at shit talking. It usually has to do with fantasy football (since yea, we are just that fucking cool) and it always ends up getting awkwardly mean and personal.

So yeah, shit talking. Good stuff.

[Anonymous Friend]: alright it's official: your blog is fucking awesome

keep up the good work

Sent at 3:56 PM on Thursday

me: thanks man

[Anonymous Friend]: crushes [Hard Peaches] blog

not even close...he shouldn't even be allowed to call his a blog

I'm sure my always level headed friend who author's said blog will respond in a reasonable manner.

The Secret

That's how you review a fucking book, son!

grab the popcorn

So a friend of mine made this bad ass movie about a mutual acquaintance of ours. He already blogged about it, but now I am too. Is that in poor taste? Why don't you go fuck yourself and come up with fresh content like 'erryday. Dick.

Scene: Adam's Morgan, 3AM

pen15 club

Apparently they are huge in Hazelton, PA where I hear there are mad stoners.

Good post? Great post.

Moonlight Skiing

Some of my friends and I have been planning a sick ass ski trip for some time now. Why? Because all the tennis and golf I play are white, but not really white enough. I do also enjoy boating, why do you ask?

Anyhow I'm really hoping I don't end up like our friend here, because, with the well established shrinkage issues found in cold weather climates, I don't want to give ladies the wrong idea.

Portis Pockets Straight

I double dog dare to click that bad boy.

KYS

This is the time of year when everyone comes up with BS resolutions to delude themselves into a false commitment to personal improvement. Here is my advice for your resolution (well not yours per se since you obviously have well above average intelligence since you read the CL; this only applies to people who watch the Hills and other morons sucking up our oxygen):

Why not fucking kill yourself already? (Wow the CL is coming strong with it in '09 son!)

I bring this up since we are in a huge global recession. When resources are scarce, we could use less donkey ass, mouth breathing Cowboy fans sucking up valuable scarce resources. Beast ass logic? Check.

I even got the perfect plan to make your ritual sacrifice make you look kind of badass: glue your hands to your face after you hang a noose made with razorwire. When you jump, the wire cuts your head off but leaves your hands glued on making it look like you tore your own fucking head off. Badass way to go.

I won't even steal it from you since I've got plently of years to go before I end up like this guy, which we all know is more than inevitable.

Happy 2009 fuckers!

Playoffs??

Ah the NFL playoffs are here. This time of year can be tough when your team is sitting at home beacause its so hard to decide who to root for in each game. Do I root for my own division (by far the best in the NFL with 11 Superbowl victories)? Do I root for a friends' team like the Steelers or Dolphins?

I like the idea of the supporting the NFC East but I really hate the shit out of the Eagles. Plus I really like the fact that I can always point to their empty trophy case in the annual shit talking bouts. I can't seem to support the Giants since I think Eli may have down syndrome and none of their players seems likable.

I can't get behind the Ravens (which are kind of local) since their fans are Baltimorons and once punched my friend in the face.

Thus I have decided to back the Arizona Cardinals for the following reason: I have never in my life met a legit Cardinals fan. I won't have to deal with anyone gloating about them winning since I think their 9 fans do not live anywhere near DC. Plus Kurt Warner's wife is hot. Thats just a fact.

May the force be with you.

Because its definitely with this dude, and hes not fucking around: