monday funday

In my line of work, Monday's are the tits - I roll in and immediately set the tone for how I plan to crush the remainder of the week. Also, my body has learned not to fuck with me by allowing me respite from the normal condition know as "hungover" as it has long since learned that I will not respect it, no matter the consequences.

[HT: Magoo]

saddle up

My astute readers checking timestamps down there will note that I have lost the ability to sleep in; lucky for you I have not yet lost the ability to post 'ilarious videos of fat people falling:

bamma of the week - rhymes with re-angelo

Tonight all my fellow Skins fas get treated to our typical Sunday - JC and Sanatana fucking shit up b/c they're both money as shit and one over priced free agent looking like a total bust.

Look no further than some well written (full disclosure - I'm an awesome writer) previous posts explaining the career of one DeAngelo Hall. This total loser is earning $23M by letting other guys run by him, around him and basically make him look like the huge bust that he is. From the 2009 Football Outsiders almanac:

In Oakland, Hall had to defend against some of the best quarterbacks in the league, including Jay Cutler, Drew Brees, Philip Rivers, and Matt Ryan. Hall’s four starts for Washington came against Joe Flacco, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Donovan McNabb, and Shaun Hill. Alert readers will remember former Redskins cornerback Walt Harris’ “career year” for the 49ers in 2006. Harris grabbed eight interceptions in that year — including two from Raiders backup Marques Tuiasosopo, two from Seahawks backup Seneca Wallace, one from Jake Plummer (on his way out in Denver), and one from Cutler (embryonic version). Moral of the story: When defensive backs enjoy massive spikes in performance, look at the quarterbacks.

Also, please spare the "but he's defending Randy Moss tonight! Moss is soooo fast!" Please keep in mind that Mr Hall ran a fucking 4.15 40 yd dash and is a full 8 years younger than Randy. Its not that DeAngelo doesnt have speed (he used to be insanely fast in fact) its that he sucks at playing football, and is a huge bitch.

thats enough, shut it down

Sometimes you have to close up shop and move on. Especially if your building is infested with crack ho's according to the Department of Health, apparently (click for larger view).

wait, so monopolies are, like, bad?

The short answer for anyone who has to pass econ 101 is that monopolisitic competition leads to marginal inefficientcies because the monopolistic firm produces at an output where average total cost is not a minimum. A monopolistically competitive market is a marginally inefficient market structure because marginal cost is less than price in the long run.

So basically, Tickmaster and LiveNation are boning you. Hard.

women be shoppinnnn

can i kick it / yes you can

beer me a sweet combo

So this exists:

"This arcade game-styled machine features a fully functioning kegerator in its belly, with room for a 5 gallon keg kept cool by a solid-state thermoelectric cooling system. In addition, it sports a gaming-ready PC, pre-loaded with 69 games such as Asteroids, Mortal Kombat II, and1942. "

do you see what happens Larry?

Here's a good way to get your ass beat: insult a former NFL player to his face AFTER he threatens you.

Jim Rome, show us how its done:

keeper

Its a shame for this chick that my Tulane days have convinced me that coked out Long Island girls with eating disorders are a bad choice.

Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony Profile from Lindsay Lohan

gayfish

Up here in the baller ass auto department of the CL, it has come to our attention that one Kanye West has taken to joaning on sublime Swedish engineered automobiles in his latest soon to be over played new track. Like any catchy tune, Mr West co-co-co-produced this with 7 other dudes and only has a quick verse so as to let actually talent folks do most of the vocals. Keep in mind he has excellent taste as he boned this chick(?) on the right.

eat up

So this happened. I thinks its a good lesson for kids to learn early on - don't bite huge ass snakes. Your actions *may* have consequences.

so basically, sit your dumb ass down

I'm not a huge Barney Frank fan by any means, but you gotta respect a politician who drops the PC bs once in a while to take the gloves off and put a moron in their place.

motherfucker

So if you're like me, you came into existance through some lady's vagine. And the dude who knocked said lady up played a part as well (mad gross!). Anyway, said persons may or may not have joined facebook. Total dagger I know - but all the crazy shit on there about you, even your lame ass beer bong pics will not likely surprise them assuming your 'rents are not giant retards/blissfully ignorant/innocently naive. When they hear from their man Andy Rooney about this "new" website (the fb) you are basically boned. Unless you refuse their inevitable friend request, which will not cause awkardness until at least Thanksgiving. In any case, use this bitch to mock those who have the audacity to give us life AND try to reach out to us in our self selected medium of choice. Jebus.

remember when . . . the Playmaker tried to kill someone?

Part I of a new long running NFL preview series:

As a passionate Redskins fan, I hate the fucking shit out of the weak ass Cowboys. As a law abiding US taxpayer, I hate crackheads who try to kill people with scissors. Thus, I am not too fond of that ass clown that was fired from ESPN awhile back.

Also, folks should know that my man Colt was a little off in his preseason debut only because he has picked up a horrible habit for an NFL QB - boning Jessica Simpson. Luckily we are not relying on Mr Brennan for our playoff success. Yet.

Wow that is some good ass hating. Lets continue:

They currently employ a scrub who is best known for being functionally illiterate and racist.

Wade Phillips has man boobs and is 0-4 in the playoffs.

The Cowboys last won a playoff game when Tony Romo was 16 years old. I think that makes him about 47 at the start of this season.

blog o the week

I discovered this bad boy a couple weeks ago, but as many loyal readers have pointed out, things are running a little sllllooowwwly on the CL these days as our executive committee continues to crush summer.

Enjoy these Emails from an Asshole.

listen up

This has been making the rounds for a hot minute but if you haven't seen it check the the rhyme:

get up

infinite wisdom from FJM

My favorite sports blog of all time FireJoeMorgan was penned by a few extremely talented individuals including one Ken Tremendous (who also plays Mose Schrute on the Office btw).

He recently had the following to say about the much yelled about "DEATH PANELS!!!":

KenTremendous
One guy on my Death Panel thought it was funny to talk like Darth Vader the whole time. I was like, dude, I get it, you're on a Death Panel.
about 1 hour ago from web

KenTremendous
Not one Hispanic on my Death Panel. When are we going to have Death Panels that look like America?!
about 2 hours ago from web

KenTremendous
Death Panel members rush into the Death Panel Chamber to cool music and laser light show, like the Bulls of the mid-90's. Very impressive.

yeah, but football to the groin had a football in the groin!

we got a problem

Now THAT is a tough neighborhood, homes.

first prop joe, now this

Cheese Wagstaff is at it again, just poppin off for the sake of poppin off. Tical recently had a run-in with a (presumably now former) fan down in H-Town. Meth got all up in that ass with his . . . pellet gun?!?! Weak.

Says the victim's counsel:

"You can't just go around the country shooting people like that," says Horowitz, "and then leave town and not think anything's going to happen."

Listen, I've lived in not one but two murder capitals of the US (the 504 and the 202) so you know I been up on that gangsta shit. Plus I play mad tennis and golf, so I'm extra gangsta. I can tell you, shooting a fan with a fucking pellet gun at an autograph signing is not G. But Redman's house is.

Yeah, my man Slim Charles is gonna have to handle this.

i'll have lettuce, tomato, aeriola and some provologne

Now-a-days, mad people bitch about how shitty the economy is. 'Whaah I lost my job and pension and house and . . . ' god shut up. Get out there and make shit happen like this enterprising young entrepreneur, who decided that the money in the strip game was not long enough so he decided to spice up his product offerings - by adding delicious sandwiches.

"Agnello -- who last year told The Post he started slinging sandwiches because "the money in stripping isn't as profitable as it used to be" -- did not return calls."

Now 'the man' wants to throw the book at our young hero who was simply out there tryin to shake shit up. I mean I figure I'm not the only dude out there who likes both sandwiches and boobs, so I can see where hes got an audience. Godspeed, my dear Agnello, godspeed.

michael winslow aint got shit on me

You won't throw some Eye of the Tiger in your beat box freestyle:

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.