Friday, October 31, 2008

trick or treat


Hopefully you see today for what it really is, an awesome holiday where you can dress up like a fucking ninja and walk around with a sword (like I do everyday) without fear of getting arrested or socially ostracized. Also girls tend to skank it up a bit, which people seem to like. So get your costume together, have a couple drinks and start raging realizing that Halloween will be boring as shit in a few years when you finally grow up.

Total facial, Brodeur.

To my two friends who get the above Dodgeball reference, please write this down as possibly the most clever thing I have ever thought of. The rest of you, enjoy this tricky move and take notes, you might be in a hockey shootout in the near future, with only your wits to save you.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Me to Ben: Fuck your Couch!


So this dickhead of a QB who gets sacked a lot, threw 4 picks last game and has already led the league in picks once in his short career, is afraid of playing at FedEx. As he should be. Our fierce pass rush [ed note: sarcasm] and his weak O line are a match made in heaven.

Before I get ahead of myself, lets bring this Skins party back to reality. Our D is solid and has only achieved its strong 8 ranking while facing weak ass offenses (ranking) the Saints(1), Cardinals(5), Giants(3), Cowboys(7), Eagles(8).

Wait time out, we won all those games??? Shut the fuck up. And we're still the 8th ranked D? After shutting down those top offenses???

Ok, but lets talk about the team with the mascot whose sexual orientation is beyond reproach. They are getting lots of props by the four letter (ESPN), they must have beaten some good teams right? No, they only beat one team over .500?? The Ravens with the rookie QB??

Gametime. Fuck your couch.

blah blah politics blah

If you are like me, you have had more than enough of all these fucking political ads.

Shady Voice Over:
"Candidate X claims that he's pro-education, but then why did he vote against funding to help disabled children learn to read . . . 6 times! Maybe its time we ask who is the real Candidate X? And why does he hate children, freedom, apple pie and goodness so very much?"

I'm Candidate Y and I approved this message.

Enough. Have the election, vote in a bunch of two faced jerkoffs to replace the last round of douches that ended up not fixing all our problems like they said they would.

Some good friends have recently convinced me to vote (however fruitless and endeavor it is); so I will be standing in line to punch the card and get my button that signifies that I care so much about fixing our country that I am willing to actually take off half a day's work. Once every four years.


Like Dead Prez said, I'm down to run up on them cracka's in City Hall.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Apparently, you sir, are not a golfer.


First an upstanding Mr Adam Jones does the unthinkable and somehow gets himself another indefinite suspensions from the NFL after a minor altercation with a paid babysitter, and now this.

Who could have seen this coming? Maybe Nostradomus. Maybe. A drunken 'athlete' with a history of being a drunken redneck asshole goes and acts exactly like a drunken redneck asshole. Shocker.

Mr Daly did do us the kindness of distinguishing himself from the other mouth breathers in the drunk tank by going ahead and popping that collar. You see, he is a well compensated golfer, and quite obviously, looks and acts the part.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Bamma of the Week:


Alaska. Huge bamma ass state. Let's run through what they bring to the table:

Ted Stevens. This 144 year old asshole has been screwing taxpayers like you and me for years by driving pork barrel projects to his bamma ass state. Along the way, he decided that he was not fucking over voters enough and he decided to brazenly abuse his post by accepting (and not reporting) a butt load of gifts ($$$) from firms looking for political favors. Glad to see he might pay for his crimes following his recent conviction.

Sarah Palin. Possibly the worst running mate pick ever. She looks so embarassingly confused by simple questions from journalists that her handlers have restricted access to her by the evil 'gotcha' media to the largest possible extent. She has no foreign policy experience whatsoever (the fact that her supporters point to Russia's proximity to Alaska was a slap in the face to anyone with an IQ over 12) and seems to lack basic understanding of the largest problems that our nation currently faces. Bamma.

Any other notable Alaskans who are not medicore ballplayers or lame folk singers? No??

This Bamma ass state is cold to the point of being uninhabitable and doesn't even get sunshine for a few months every year. The fucking sun even needs a break from the dickheads there and abandons the state a couple months every year.

Monday, October 27, 2008

How can you not believe in re-incarnation now?


Its official, Farley is back like a mother fucker.

The City.

That's what I call Mr. Nick Young (NY get it; moving on). He might, might be able to jump slightly higher than me (according to this SportsCenter #1 Play):

Our good friend will likely be required to provide much of the scoring in the Wizards up tempo offense this season since that goofy fellow who usually makes it rain will be out for some time with his 3rd knee surgery in the last two years. Good thing we signed him to a manageable $111,000,000 six year deal. Wait, NBA contracts are fully guaranteed? You're fucking kidding!?!? Dagger.

Fuck yes.


Amazingly positive news today, the much talked about sequel to one the greatest movies ever is finally actually going into production.

For those of you yet to experience the majesty of the Boondock Saints, get on that shit now. Seriously. It is a very well acted, expertly directed tale of brothers who decide to become bad ass vigilantes in the name of God. They have sick ass accents and deal out some crucially vicious justice to evil doers in South Boston.

This film has it all really - serious theological and philosophical questions that are vaguely explored in the background of intense violence. They throw in very well crafted characters and witty dialogue just to make sure that no other movies can adequately compare.

To top it all off, Boondock is amazingly quotable and goes perfect with drinking.

In summation, Boondock Saints earn a Rating of "Beast" on my just developed rating things scale, which goes Beast, Eh, and Lame. None of that 8.4/10 Bullshit on the CL. I keeps it real!!

booo!

In the spirit of Halloween, here is my number one video of all time involving costumes:

all fall down

Whats that you say? You can't make it through a Monday without watching a hilarious video of a large person taking a long anticipated spill?? Me either:

(Fast forward 2 mins to get to the good stuff)

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Maybe sit the next couple of plays out, champ.


Perhaps you heard that Isiah Thomas maybe pulled a T.O. and tried to off himself by taking a bunch of pills, which he followed with a hospital visit and a very strange denial (he claimed his daughter took the pills; this is bonehead move from a guy who is a master at pulling bonehead moves (Marbury and Francis in the same back court? Randolph and Curry in the front court? What could go wrong?)

I mean, dude WTF? You go from being one of the greatest PGs of all time, to becoming one of the worst executives in all of sports, to this. Before he got fired for doing a horrible job (they never won more than 33 games under his "leadership"), he managed to end up on the wrong side of a little $11,600,000 sexual harassment settlement.

You know what I like about this guy? He royally fucked over a team in the Eastern Conference (and thereby compete with the Wiz for those crucial playoff spots every year). Also, there is some evidence that he is fucking nuts (he threatened ESPN writer Bill Simmons) - before the whole blaming a suicide attempt on his daughter move.

Now if only Detroit and Boston could hire completely incompetent "executives" we'd be getting somewhere (also it would be great if LeBron didn't cry and bitch his way to the FT line constantly).

Friday, October 24, 2008

Do you live in Real America?

Apparently, I don't. My portion of America does not have a crucial crystal meth problem (as far as I know).



I know this video is terribly biased; but good God, I swear that I actually have more executive experience than Ms. Palin. Unfortunately, those East Coast elites in Washington (read: fake America) have banned me from running the country until I turn 35.

Good thing for Real America, since my first order of business would be to eliminate any subsidies that I deem inefficient (such as this one).

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Meet Your 2008 NFL MVP


Wow I have a butt load (pause) of work to do today so I will likely not be posting as prolifically as normal. Actually having a ton of work is the best time to procrastinate, who am I kidding?

Anyways, this it too fucking sweet not to share. My favorite player in the NFL as you may or may have noticed is tearing shit up, leading the league in rushing yards. Some quick hits on CP:

He is the one of three players in NFL history to rush for 120 yards in five consecutive games (Jim Brown and OJ).

He may or may have recently moved to the smartest city in the country (now with 35% more trophy wives in SUVs!) Bethesda, MD.

Even though he missed half of the 2006 season, he still has averaged over 1,260 rushing yards per year in his first 6 seasons.

Also, as Brian Mitchell can tell you, his 'pockets straight.'

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Graph of The Day.

OMG we are all not totally fucked. Calm down.


Since I work in Finance, many friends, relatives and acquaintances routinely (for better or worse) ask my opinion on this whole financial crisis that we happen to be in the middle of. I'd like to use this forum to address this issue as calmly as possible.

First of all, chill the fuck out. We are in a recession, which is a normal part of the business cycle. Currently unemployment is around 6% which means that 94% of Americans who want jobs have them. Also, banks are still lending.

But wait the stock market is plunging! Before you jump, please do your homework and realize that the stock market is by nature volatile (meaning it goes up and down all the time), is governed by the wisdom of the masses and goes tends to go up over the LONG TERM. If you invested x dollars at x point in time, good work, because investing is the best way to build wealth over the long term. If you put a disproportionate amount of capital into one investment (like Bear, Freddie, AIG, etc) and have seen unpredicted (read: horrendous) short term returns, you have done a poor job of managing risk via diversification.

Which brings me to my main point: we got into this mess by people who did not understand (or willingly refused to acknowledge) the risks they were taking:

Borrowers, Lenders, Brokers, and Investment Bankers are all guiltly of these misguided assumptions (housing will not decline in value, borrower x's income will increase in time to make higher payment upon rate resets, defaults will not exceed x percentage of this MBS issue, etc, etc).

In times of crisis everyone tends to do what they always do: seek an easy answer to a complex problem.

1. Quick, find a scapegoat to blame (mortgage brokers pushed unaffordable products to people who willingly purchased them! CEO x made lots of money and did not accurately forecast an event that no one else forecast!).

2. Villify him/her so I do not have to think too much about a complex regulatory framework, boring housing policy or why Americans seek so hard to keep up with the Jones by purchasing McMansions they could not afford!

3. Please let me get back to getting rich quick (without actually creating value) by flipping houses using poorly underwritten mortgages.

Our country has a bright future.

Good morning. Lets start the day off with a random video showing how crafty American college football fans are. Hopefully they will elect to use their powers for good upon graduation from this bastion of higher learning:

Monday, October 20, 2008

Shitty movie or the shittiest movie ever?


Wow. I just got back from wasting $10, 2 hours of my life and countless brain cells expended in the fruitless pursuit of attempting to enjoy the smoldering pile of feces that is Max Payne. Good god, that may be the stupidest fucking movie of all time. And please keep in mind that I love really bad action movies - I am by no means a tough critic. Hitman? Fucking phenomenal. Sin City? Fantastic. These movies are both based on comics/video games and are shunned by the public for lack of things like 'character development' and other bullshit that I could care less about.

Max Payne takes my beloved mindless action genre and completely craps the bed. The acting? Horrendous. The actual action itself? Boring and intermittent. The plot? Waffles between completely obvious and non-existent. Dialogue? Pathetic to point of offensive. That is to say I am offended that some asshole actually produced this and got another asshole to distribute it. I hope that these morons lose their respective 'jobs' and end up homeless for their extreme lack of discernible talent.

If you would like to torture yourself or someone you know, take them to Max Payne, arguably the worst movie I have ever seen.

News Flash! Yankees are old as fuck!


Another awesome fact that my 'down-on-our-luck-only-won-6-championships-since-2001' friends from Boston can take solace in, the New York Yankees are really, really old. Growing up an (and grudgingly remaining) Orioles fan, I have one thing in common with douchey Sox fans - I pure straight hate the fucking Yankees.

I lack the crucial baseball insight to provide any hard hitting analysis here, but I can subtract today's date from a man's date of birth, and 'estimate' his age.

I also have a crazy idea that professional athletes tend to decline in production once their age begins to catch up with them (those baseball prospectus folks know this too).

How many of these 'stars' will be above age 34 when next season begins?

Giambi, Jeter, A-Rod, Pudge, Abreu, Damon, Matsui.

If you guessed all, then you would be correct. Their young talent (Melky, Gartner, Cano) combined for all of 24 HRs last year.

In summation, the Yankees missed the playoffs with a +$200,000,000 roster, are not getting any younger, and basically just suck at life. Also Jeter had his worst year ever and Joba is having a rough offseason.

What a weekend


Hope everybody crushed life this weekend. I actually got crushed by the following items:

1. My old friend alcohol (the cause of and solution to all of life's problems).

2. An unscrupulous ticket scalper who sold me 5 tickets above face value to see the Capitals lose to the Devils, 3 of which were fake. Well played, sir.

Also hosted a successful rager (and legs were swept), played some 9am Thunderball, drank 40s while waiting for a table at a local family establishment, and almost lost to the fucking Browns. Almost.

Let get this week started with a Kanye jam.

PS - Quick shout out to my friends from Beantown (or New Hampshire) - dagger of a game 7 loss but think about it, it could be worse, you could be an O's fan (or Nats!).

Friday, October 17, 2008

Joe the Plumber . . . really??


Seems like everyone is weighing in on this Joe the Plumber dude. For those of you who have not kept up with the boring ass, completely inconsequential final presidential debate, it centered on this guy Joe the Plumber. Couple quick facts about Joe:

1. His name not Joe - it's Samuel Wurzelbacher
2. He's not technically a plumber

Under that crazy socialist Barack's tax plan, "Joe" would see his annual tax bill increase a staggering $900. Per year. According to the angry old man yelling at Barack, this would cripple "Joe's" business, force him to lay off employees, effectively make him homeless and he'd likely have to start selling crack to make ends meet.

Let me be clear - I am very libertarian and thus favor taxes being as low as possible (since I believe that the free market is more efficient at allocating capital than our bureaucratic government which lacks clearly defined incentives to maximize utility).

What I do not favor is this old angry man, who wants to lead the free world, focusing his economic debate on such a dubious example as "Joe." (Got to give old man river credit on picking a top notch running mate though, she is clearly very qualified. Also, she lives near Russia giving her more foreign policy than someone who does not live close to Russia, logically).

mother fuckin friday son

Kinda slacked on posting yesterday. My bust; to make up for my lack of effort, here's some kick ass Talking Heads to get your Friday started the right way:

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Get you some!


As a nation divided across many lines (political, socio-economic, geographic, etc) I think we can all agree on one thing: Dunkin' Donuts is the fucking tits.

You could stop at your local Starbucks (you know, the one across from the other Starbucks) and purchase an excessively bourgeois latte for a mere $4.50 OR you could mosey on down to Dunkin where the coffee is amazing, costs substantially less and has additional awesome flavoring for free. From their crucial ass product line, I find my self unable to resist the following:
For any readers that didn't drink their way through business school, that is what we call a Value Offering. Technically speaking, its a mother fucking sick ass value offering, but I'm not one to get technical.

Cowboys Acquire Overrated Douchebag WR


Roy Williams will be joining the 3rd place Dallas Cowboys as of yesterday. I like this move since they gave up three draft picks (including a 1st!) for a guy who has eclipsed the lofty total of 838 yards in only one of his four underachieving, injury prone, forgettable NFL seasons. He will fit right in with the Cowboys since he has never won a playoff game, like most of their players. Besides the one that tried to kill himself and whines like a bitch when he is only thrown to 20 times. I think that guy won a playoff game in Philly right? Wrong. (editors note: he last won in SF in 2003; still a huge bitch).

Fun fact for my non-NFL obsessed readers: While Mr. Williams makes over $6 million per year, he has no sympathy for hard working service employees as he has publicly admitted

"There's no such thing as a tip. But I am really polite and I say 'Thank you sir.' ... The pizza man knows, when he comes to my address, he's coming for free."


Assuming Mr Williams actually works the American average 282 days per year, he earns about $22,000 every workday.

Wednesday Morning Jam.

Today is hump day (after lunch we will have officially made it through more than half the work week). Get your hump day started right with a crucial jam from Smif N Wesson:

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Science: Lame and Getting Lamer


So hopefully all my well informed readers saw this bad boy today - some scientists have spent countless hours, talented brain power and other precious resources coming to the shocking conclusion that boozing too much might not be great for your brain. I say might since, like any nuanced in depth research report, they really don't have the data (or balls) to actually reach and stand behind a conclusion.

In honor of their valiant efforts, I have used my mediocre brainpower and spare time to completely flip the script on these Debbie Downers by pointing out some beast ass historical figures who loved the sauce (selectively biased anecdotal evidence always trumps vaguely conclusive objective data; that my friends is just science).

Ben Franklin - said that beer is proof that G-d wants us to be happy. When he wasn't tying one on a the tavern, he was inventing sweet ass shit, harnessing electricity and founding a global superpower.

Earnest Hemingway - acclaimed author and Nobel prize winner actually got up and left the country when Prohibition was enacted. That is a hardcore drinker.

Winston Churchill - supported the "drinking of alcohol before, after and, if need be, during all meals and in the intervals between them." When he wasn't winning the Nobel prize, he was leading the Allied forces to victory against Hitler.

numbers don't lie.


Got into a debate with a friend yesterday about why I choose to exercise my constitutional right NOT to vote. It ended with me offering to wager him anything that Obama wins DC. Literally anything (he would not take the bet since the chances are over 99%). Any how, here is economist Steven E. Landsburg

Your individual vote will never matter unless the election in your state is within one vote of a dead-even tie. (And even then, it will matter only if your state tips the balance in the electoral college.) What are the odds of that? Well, let's suppose you live in Florida and that Florida's 6 million voters are statistically evenly divided—meaning that each of them has (as far as you know) exactly a 50/50 chance of voting for either Bush or Kerry—the statistical equivalent of a coin toss. Then the probability you'll break a tie is equal to the probability that exactly 3 million out of 6 million tosses will turn up heads. That's about 1 in 3,100—roughly the same as the probability you'll be murdered by your mother.

And that's surely a gross overestimate of your influence, because it assumes there's no bias at all in your neighbors' preferences. Even a slight change in that assumption leads to a dramatic change in the conclusion.

For those of us who live in New York State, the situation is far worse. Last time around, about 6.5 million votes were cast for major party candidates in New York state and 63 percent of them went to Al Gore. Assuming an electorate of similar size with a similar bias, my chance of casting the deciding vote in New York is about one in 10 to the 200,708th power. I have a better chance of winning the Powerball jackpot 7,400 times in a row than of affecting the election's outcome. Which makes it pretty hard to see why I should vote.

Let me add here that DC went 90-10 to Kerry in 2004, making the odds of one vote changing anything essentially incalculable to any meaningful degree.

The traditional reply begins with the phrase "But if everyone thought like that ... ." To which the correct rejoinder is: So what? Everyone doesn't think like that. They continue to vote by the millions and tens of millions.

Monday, October 13, 2008

straight joaning.


It has come to my attention that I have not really been joaning enough in this space. CL is long overdue for some hardcore joaning on bammas. Today we are hating one of the lamest activities out there: Adult Kickball.

What's that you say? You are a socially awkward person and consequentially have very few friends? Why not sign up to participate in a slow moving, nonathletic game with other socially awkward people!?! Are you worried that your boring lame ass still won't make new friends? Fear not fellow social outcast! Afterward we really stir things up with that lame ass drinking game that you should have stopped playing 10 years ago, flip cup! Like the kickball game before it, it will not really reward any individual effort at all but instead mildly punish the team that got stuck with some relatively uncoordinated individuals!

Apparently the above pitch has widespread appeal and has generated a substantial demand since this shit is spreading. Who would have that that there are so many lame 20 somethings? I certainly did not foresee this situation, since I went to a beast ass college where everyone was pretty much awesome. Our nerds would likely be the coolest people at your relatively weak ass school. Thanks for graduating all those future kickballers, your school.


**Editors Note: The above hilarious joan session does not apply to the Danger Cats. I know some of those cats and they fucking crush life. And occasionally cavort with lame ass kickball people.

Beast Jerseys



Saw these bad boys at FedEx. The first is a sick shout out to one Art Monk who was recently inducted into the Hall of Fame after he collected 13,000 yards from scrimage and three super bowl rings. Also a bunch of other records.

Our second awesome jersey needs far less explanation.
Sweet! What does mine say?

Well, La, de Feakin' Da!


So a few loyal readers have wondered what I had to say about this huge dagger of a loss from Sunday (I attended and drank free Snyder Subsidized beer, so it was kind of a wash in my book). Instead of pointing to the obvious problems (three fumbles, one at the end of a first half drive that was returned for a fucking TD effectively spotting our guests 10 points) or more intangible problems (CP is on that); I have elected to do what I get paid to do – come up with bomb ass creative solutions.

All we need is a bad ass motivational speaker (ala Matt Foley). If we can pay some dude to remind our players that they are one turnover away from living in a van down by the river, the relative lack of effort displayed Sunday will become a distant memory.


Dad, I wish you could just shut your big yapper! Brian, from what I've heard, you're using your paper, not for writing, but for rolling doobies!! You're gonna be doing a lot of doobie-rolling when you're living in a van down by the river!

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Critique of Pure Reason


Back in college, I minored in Philosphy. I really liked what this dude had to say, but never really dug too deep into most of his shit since: A) its fucking intense and B) I was really, really busy raging. Hard.

Today I found a beast ass modern philospher, who seems to have some compelling insights in the field of aesthetics. I just discovered Mr City about 20 minutes ago, but I can tell that his pimp hand is strong.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Put him in a body bag Johnny!


As you all know, Halloween is fast approaching. This year is going to be fucking money since I have possibly the best costume of all time (pictured). Some buddies of mine and I are going hardcore Cobra Kai and will be lacking mercy while sweeping mad legs.

"He's had enough Johnny!"
"I'll decide when he's had enough!"

In addition to running around kicking each other, we will be quoting sick 80's movie lines all fucking night. We will definitely not be annoying to other people. Or drunk.

Please say the baby.


So you may or may not have heard that my main man out the 'nolia, Weezy F Baby, has started blogging. We are very similar him and I - we're both young money hustlers from the N.O. who enjoy stackin paper and stuntin like our respective daddys'. And we both have sick ass ink. Anyhow here's a little excerpt from the afermentioned blog:

I won my fantasy football match-up this week, by the way. I slayed 'em 79-43. I'm 3-1 now. They still don't know it's me, even though I use my real name, Dwayne Carter, on there. Even if there's a guy who knows who I am, he's probably looking at that and going, yeah, whatever. I still feel like it was a good call to drop Roethlisberger. This week I started Campbell from the Redskins, and that was great.

What?!?! Lil Wayne plays fantasy football and won his game by starting JC?!?! That is so awesome that my head just exploded.

Sunday Sunday Sunday!


This Sunday I will be attending a football match to witness my favorite squadron compete. It should be a pleasant afternoo - - O my god who am I fucking kidding I am mother fucking fired up son! We are gonna fuck shit up!

We are giving 14 points to the laughing stock of the NFL, the St. Louis Rams. 93,000 of my close friends will be watching us run shit. I am so excited that I am thinking about, get this, arriving a couple hours early, and drinking in the parking lot. Its kind of a wacky plan I know, but it has massive potential.

Normally here I would provide some crucial ass statistical analysis of some of the finer points of the match up that the bozos on ESPN will omit from their so-called "analysis."(if Team A executes on offense, they will have a chance to win! really? thank god we have experts like Chris Carter) Unforntunately, I am over stimulated from the excitement. Check back later for some bomb insight.

Hail Victory!

Thursday, October 9, 2008

welcome to dc

And I thought I'd end my first day as a blogger with a crucial ass song from Mumbo Sauce.

Now Accepting Applications.


The blog is off and running (as you can see, I already have a shitload of beast ass posts - see the 2 below for details). As such, I would formally like to open the door for you, my very intelligent, very attractive readers, to submit your applications.

Shocking News That I Never Saw Coming


Apparently this young upstanding member of the community was involved in an incident. I hope they give him a second chance because, come on people, he is very athletically gifted and thus should not be subject to the same "laws" that the rest of us must abide by.

I've been to Vegas once, and I somehow managed to make it rain without getting any innocent bystanders paralyzed.

I really hope this Adam Jones fellow can bounce back from this minor inconvenience and get back to work.

And by work I mean letting Santana Moss embarrass you with his insane speed and general awesomeness.

G'day mate! Throw another shrimp on tha barbie!


Hi there. This is my beast ass blog. Trust me, it will kick more and more ass as time goes on.

This bad boy will be serve to celebrate things that are fucking sweet (the NFL, Lil Wayne, Economics, Kicking Ass, Raging, etc) and hate on things that blow (ignorance, hypocrisy, the Cowboys, lame people).

Buckle up, its gonna be a wild ride.