No Romo

Merry Christmas to all my tremendous readers. I hope you all got what you wanted. Me and the other Redskins fans were treated to our annual Cowboys December Choke-fest. It was freakin' awesome. In addition, apparently Tony Romo collapsed in the shower after predictably shitting the bed in Philly. I bet his millions of dollars and celebrity girlfriend (ed: functionally retarded) offer him no comfort since very influential bloggers like myself consider him to be a huge fucking loser.

It's Science.

Awesome study finds that smart kids are more likely to become boozers. I find this comforting since I know a lot of smart kids who drink a shit load; thus this tends to confirm my observed preconceptions which may or may not be related to the fact that I attended a relatively prestigious university in the boozing capital of North America. Good old confirmation bias, its the jam!

In a related note, I have attended the timeless Preakness Stakes (in lovely Baltimore, MD) for the last eight years and can wholeheartedly confirm that there are plenty of dumb ass kids who get drunk as fuck.

Go figure.

"those are IOUs, they're just as good as money"

Haha this is awesome. Its typical this time of year to hear lots of hubbub about the excessive Wall St bonuses paid out to bankers. As a former banker myself, I find this clever plan by Credit Suisse perfectly ironic.

"The bank will use leveraged loans and commercial mortgage- backed debt, some of the securities blamed for generating the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression, to fund executive compensation packages"

Basically, banks fucked up by writing shitty loans and packaging them into securities that they thought were much, much less risky than the loans themselves (in theory). Turns out someone egghead forgot to carry the one and now we're in a fucking recession.

Thanks for all you help douchey McBankerson, here is your much deserved holiday bonus. Whats that? No, no, no its just like cash, just much less valuable and liquid. Happy Holidays!

Periodic Table

Nearly perfect. I would have replaced William Shatner with these guys though.

don't, push, me cuz . .

Me and all the other non-bammas in this town are kickin Old School tonight chief. Dust off your shell tops and get you some:

drop it like its hot

Whats up my very attractive readers? Are you headed home for some drunken and possibly awkward times with the folks? I know I am (4 miles from here).

Anyways, I thought I would go ahead and make all your lives much easier by introducing you to this beast ass file sharing website (not for stealing music):

drop.io

I use this bad boy at work to share large files and it is fucking money. Theres mad features that I don't even know about too. But check it out next time you need to send some shit.

One.

G force

This is why I probably will not ever be a Top Gun:

Damn it feels good to be a . . .

Wealthly ass bankers don't miss goals, cuz wealthy ass bankers know Black Scholes.

Dickhead of the Week

This week's dickhead is one Bud Selig. He recently decided that he would force some of his lowest paid workers (most minor leaguers make less than $1500/month) to tighten their belts a bit since MLB is hurting financially.

"According to two of Tony's sources, Major League Baseball recently denied a proposal that would have increased the amount of road meal money that minor leaguers receive each day.

Oh, it wasn't anything life changing — the daily total would only have been upped to $25 from $20 — but MLB is said to have conveniently cited the flagging economy as a reason.

Yes, the same MLB that reported $6 billion in revenue in 2007 and oversees teams handing out $161 million contracts to one pitcher is the one that's putting the kibosh on a plan that had already been approved by all 30 minor league directors and then by all 30 GMs."

This is kind of fucking nuts when you listen to this fuckbag talk about how MLB is rolling in fucking money.

Selig says, "When you look at the final numbers and you see what's happened, it's remarkable. There are times, honestly, when I have to pinch myself to make sure all of this is happening. ... Growth and revenue, growth and profitability; it's just been really, really good."

He then went on to kick a puppy and shove an old woman to the floor

Sick song

Remember Sonic? He was much faster than that Italian plumber guy (probably due to him taking less mushrooms). Anyway, here is a beast ass song from Sonic 2 (total classic).

Gooooooaaaaaallll

We're gonna jump this rainy Tuesday off with some bitchin' shots from the beautiful game:


Stupid Funny Goals - Watch more funny videos here

Jesus saves

Note to sign makers: Tom Jefferson kinda fucked up your agenda about 230 years ago when he penned the First Amendment. Dagger. For you.

Team Wheelan

So apparently their appears to be a political vacancy in Illinois for some reason or another. I would like to offer my not-eligible-to-vote-in-Illinois support to my main man Chuck Wheelan (ed: I have no idea if he goes by chuck, but he should). He is one of my favorite authors and is way smarter (not to mention more pragmatic and humble) than any of the bozos I seen running the country these days.

Here is a quick video that shows how he's a big picture guy as he ends his summation talking about the two most important problems facing our nation, human capital development (education) and federal entitlement programs (Social Security and Medicare/Medicaid).

Every little bit helps.

Yahoo! Finance's Charles Wheelan on recession indicators @ Yahoo! Video

Party time.

Dude! Please do not come to my fucking party!

on the beach with a few club sodas

Current TV

From now on, I think I will only watch this channel. I found it the other day and it is fucking money. Find the channel in your 'errea and check this shit out. This morning, as opposed to my usual 15 mins or so of these bosos using tired cliches, non-insightful "analysis" and telling me who is more "Now", I instead caught a little piece about the highest base jump ever.

Spring Break!

The included picture is a good example of why texting can be a real double edged sword: sure you can communicate with your friends without having to actually listen to them, but you can also completely ruin your "gr8" vacation with one little fuckup. Dagger. Dagger indeed.

Invent Destiny

This man is without a doubt, crushing the shit out of life.

Tea leaves

Please go ahead and pause for a second next time some very wise individual predicts the future movements in the value of any index. They are full of shit and should be questioned with a healthy dose of skepticism.

Remember when everyone thought oil would go to $200? What's that? They were way the fuck off on that one?

Commercial Mortgage Backed Securities could do no wrong?

The Falcons will suck in 2008?

Really?

Crazy news yesterday - apparently there is some politician from Chicago who may or may not be brazenly corrupt. Speaking about selling the now vacant Senate seat in Illinois, Mr Governor said the following:

“I’ve got this thing,” Mr. Blagojevich said on one recording, according to the affidavit, “and it’s fucking golden. And I’m just not giving it up for fucking nothing. I’m not going to do it. And I can always use it. I can parachute me there.”

My favorite part thus far is that he was opposed to the video game GTA IV since it sets a bad example. He even passed a law to limit its distribution. I guess the video game lobby wouldn't "play ball."

Apparently corruption is nothing new in the Windy City; past practitioners include:

"Bathhouse" John Coughlin Coughlin's best known activity was the first ward ball, an annual fundraiser which brought together safecrackers, prostitutes, politicians, businessmen, gamblers, and others. The event would raise more than $50,000 a year for the two first ward aldermen until it was closed down in 1909 by Mayor Fred Busse. By the time it ended, the ball had moved into the Chicago Coliseum and ended in annual riots.

Big Bill Thompson, mayor from 1915 to 1923...

See also: Pat Marcy

Wow! Those guys know how to fucking abuse power with the best of them!

for me to poop on

Tough day at the office; please enjoy this muppet ragging on nerds. Its currently rated strong to very strong on the CL's bitchin ratings scale:

Merry Xmas!

I often have trouble picking out presents for my wacky family. Despite drastic differences about politics, philosophy and even basic interests, I think every single person will be getting what can only be described as probably the best gift I've ever given anyone, ever. Period.

thats whats up

This is why motherfuckers don't step to us. What's that Chile? You got a problem with my foreign policy? Why don't you take it up with my army of $361,000,000 fighter jets?

BEAST MODE

Today is Round 1 of Fantasy Football Playoffs. My sick ass team is led by this young gentleman, one Marshawn Lynch a.k.a. "Beast Mode" With all due respect to my good friend and author of hardpeaches who will remain nameless, I hope that Messrs Lynch and Evans light the Phins up like a Christmas Tree.

get well soon.

We here at the CL would like to wish a speedy recovery to our good friend and longtime drinking buddy, one Bear Grylls. Mr Grylls was recently injured doing something EXTREME in the Arctic. Bear is no stranger to injury as his military career ended when he fractured a couple vertebrae when his parachute ripped at 16,000 feet. He was laid up for 18 months before he fully recovered. Bear got back on his feet and celebrated by climbing Mount Everest. He then proceeded to start fucking shit up and created a beast ass show Man vs Wild where he kicks the shit out of nature with a knife and flint.

and my flow is so sick / chicken soup won't help

I think everyone on Earth has offended this guy. Myself included, as I was raised Roman Catholic. And I spend waaaay more time with TV than the bible. And other stuff on the poster. Yikes.

#21

I really had no choice but to post this jam:

This video changed my life

No words will do Mr Jones justice.

animals that I wish could not fly

Remember way back when I told everyone not to freak out about this financial crisis? Well, yeah, apparently mother fucking snakes are now fucking flying! So go ahead a start freaking out if you have not already done so. We're boned.

Heady Video of the day

I'm not sure where this "Canal City" is, but those fuckers know their falling water displays pretty well.

Fatherhood

Life is not all sun and fun in Cape Coral, Florida. Sometimes you want beer, but you are too fucking drunk to actually drive to the liquor store for more booze. Thankfully, some dude has solved this age old riddle by reproducing, waiting 9 long years, then handing the keys to his brand new designated driver. His ingenious problem solving is detailed below by local news:

pic o the day

Have to apologize about the lack of posts recently. My crazy employer has actually been demanding that I spend my time working as opposed to crafting bitingly witty blog posts about morons and their hi jinks. Total dagger I know! As a reward for bearing with me through these difficult times, please enjoy the above picture, featuring the Nut Mobile, which, ironically, looks rather penis-like if you ask me.

Hopefully I'll find some time tonight to pen a sarcastic paean about geopolitics. Or maybe a video of someone suffering some comical physical trauma. Likely the latter, but you never know!

i put on for my city

Welcome back from Thanksgiving kids!

One of the hardest transitions moving from New Orleans to D.C. was accepting the cruel reality that I can no longer stay out drinking in public past 3AM.

However, since our city is so fucking happy about Mr President Elect, we will likely be bending those facist 'rules' when an estimated 4,000,000 people come to town from Jan 17-21.

Party on Wayne!

See you at the crossroads

Tomorrow I'll be giving thanks for the fact that I got to witness the short yet brilliant career of my favorite athlete of all time, one Sean Michael Taylor. His life was tragically cut short one year ago Thursday and much better writers than I have penned very eloquent tributes to arguably the hardest hitting player of all time.



He will be enshrined in the Redskins Ring of Fame this Sunday at FedEx Field.

We still miss you 21.

what goes around . . .

You know, I haven't blogged enough about huge fucking scumbag Boris Becker. He's in the news today since his fiancee dumped his old ass via text.

Before your worry too much about Mr Becker, please keep in mind:

His fiancee is actually the daughter of Mr Becker's now deceased former manager.

He has known her since she was an infant (I guess they met when he was 15 and she was 0). So he watched this little girl grow up, then once it was legally permissible, began boning her.

His previous marriage ended tragically after he conceived a child with another woman in a broom closest.

He allegedly left his previous wife via text message.

Ironic? Yes, I think this qualifies.

"the monkey is in the basketball"

I used to love Law and Order before it got drunk at a party and had like 6 kids, each more retarded than the next. Here is another expertly written and acted clip from Special Victims Unit (apparently monkeys qualify as 'special victims'):



Thankfully, no one watches a show this fucking retarded. Oh wait.

Bo Knows Realistic Performances.

Possibly the greatest athlete of all time, Bo Jackson, immortalized via the brain trust at Nintendo.



In addition to dominating the video game world, Bo managed to star in one of my favorite Saturday morning cartoons, the ProStars. They helped save the world several times in 1991, before MJ developed into a franchise ruining gambling addict.

hardpeaches style random video.

Enjoy this Kanye remix accompanied by an awesome movie clip medley.

Hail Victory

Big win for my boys yesterday as JZ went back out to Seattle where he did some shit back in the day, and beat his former mentor (who looks very, very walrus like). Bad day for walrus-like NFL head coaches.

Mr Portis (who my Dad thinks is too talkative) proved that despite a sore knee, he has earned the right to talk as much as he goddamn wants.

Thank you to FOX for giving us the following detailed info (via an on screen graphic midway through the game):
Clinton Portis is
-the complete back
-as tough as they come
-one more generic observation that looks ridiculous presented in this format

Hail to the Redskins.

Not Betts though. That guy almost fucking blew it with an unsurprising fumble.

Fucking tickets

Got another $100 parking ticket this morning. I'm not a mathlete or anything, but I think I have spent about $456,983 on parking tickets this year. In related news, this happened:

Notorious

I recently had the pleasure of meeting one of the stars of my all time favorite show, The Wire. Needless to say, Anwan Glover is a huge fucking beast; please mark you calendar/blackberry/iphone for the release of his upcoming movie (he plays this dude):

Shocker: Ms Palin has made another glaring gaffe

Looks like the worst running mate ever is still getting (and possibly ignoring) advice from her moron staffers:




In an odd bit of political theater, Governor Palin took part in the tradition of pardoning a turkey in the days leading up to Thanksgiving. Following the event, Palin did a brief interview.

As she spoke with the reporter, just a few feet behind her, one of the men working on the farm slaughtered a fucking turkey on camera.

According to MSNBC, a photographer asked Governor Palin if she wanted to find a different location to shoot, but McCain's former running mate simply said, "No worries."

Get off your butt

Kindergarden Cop chimes in on the auto bailout being discussed two miles from my office. We both agree that the burdensome labor contracts raising costs relative to the Big Three's competitors need to be TERMINATED:


Note to all you people who are failing at your jobs: When asking for a fucking handout, try to be show some humility and do not arrive via private jet. Even the bum on the corner respects this rule.

numbers don't lie

Beast ass article in the NYT today about America's systematic infrastructure problems. It doesn't need to mention this disaster to show how fucked up things are. The key problem seems to stem from the fact that our dollars are allocated without any real data driven analysis.

"Right now, federal funds typically aren’t tied to tangible goals, like how much a new road would reduce traffic or how much a new train line would reduce carbon emissions and oil imports. Much of the time, the government doesn’t even collect this sort of information."

Hopefully the incoming administration can work to resolve this problem and actually require legit cost benefit analysis before writing huge checks. As we have seen, our current system is clearly spending money in inefficient ways (as governments are prone to do).

2-7 here we come!

Haven't devoted too much time to the Wizards on the CL, but since they're about to turn the corner to tonight, moving to an awe inspiring 2-7 on the season, there is no time like the present.

How does a team that makes the playoffs go 1-7 in their first 8 games you ask? Well, like most incredibly complex questions, this doozy really has many causes.

One - we were never that great to begin with. Keep in mind we have not won more than 45 regular season games (playing in the less than competitive Eastern Conference) since 1979. Not good.

Two - out best scorer is out again with his 3rd knee surgery.

Three - Brendan Haywood decided to stop playing like a huge pussy in 2007 and had a career year. He is currently out until Feb with a broken wrist.

I'm going to stop there, even though there are many more reasons for our blowing of goats in 2008. Let's talk about how money our future is:

This kid is fucking legit.

So is this one.

So don't everybody get all freaked out when we are fucking sweet. Eventually. Maybe. Good god please start winning you a-holes.

UPDATE: Even though my man Tuff Juice dropped 32, we are now 1-8. Fuck me.

Time is going by really really really slooowwwww

Apparently some cop confiscated some stoner's stash, then ate it, then freaked the fuck out.



He sounds like a total square, man.

freakin awesome!!

Get to know my man Carl; He don't need no instructions, to know how to rock.

Carl ATHF clips

Heads up

"Brasky, love the new blog; but come on, can we get some more balls to the face action (large pause)?"

Ask and you shall receive:

Good night, sweet prince.

One of my favorite blogs ever is packing it in (pause). The guys from FireJoeMorgan recently did an interview with Wil Leitch (former editor of Deadspin).

As Alan says, "Shockingly, pseudo-sabermetric baseball journalism metacriticism may not be an infinitely sustainable comedy premise." Ironically, Joe Morgan himself will likely never comprehend the previous sentence.

Even though I am not really a baseball fan (I do live with a couple of them though), I loved this blog's witty sarcasm and piercing criticism of ignorant commentary.

Awesome fact - the main dude from FJM is the same dude who plays Mose Schrute on The Office.

People named Spears are not smart.

Yikes. Heard this on the radio this morning. Like the DJ who was relaying the story, my first thought was "how does someone this stupid even get $400,000"?

I really think that stories like this illustrate why we as a nation are in such a financial crisis which has its roots in the so called sub-prime meltdown: there are a shit load of dumb ass people in our nation who want to get get rich quick. They want this easy road to riches so badly that they believe in its existence.

Well here you go countrymen, the big fucking secret to getting rich quick:

Invent something like the pet rock. Or Microsoft.

Michael: I don't think the pet rock was really such a good idea.
Tom: The guy made a million dollars!

My personal favorite way to easy money is selling books about how to make easy money.

Wow

Kinda ok catch. maybe.

Schafe, this is actually my blog.

A friend of mine (initials A.S.) doesn't believe that I am writing this blog.

The pic on the left will hopefully clear things up. Also, its a delicious beverage that I encourage you to enjoy en masse.

Enjoy your Monday evening drinking cheap beer and watching Tony Kornheiser stumble through another painful MNF broadcast.

And root for Beast Mode.

That right, put in work

When I meet new people, they inevitably ask what I do. Usually I spout off some BS using my extensive financial vocabulary while ensuring to mix in some semi-altruistic tilt so they don't think I'm just another iBanking douche bag who is somehow getting undeservedly rich, blah blah blah. Poop.

Someone once said that a picture is worth 1,000 words; using some impeccable deductive reasoning, a video is thus worth close to a gazillion words.

Here is what my typical day at the office looks like (after the 15 sec ad):

Philly

As a huge Redskins fan, I naturally dislike the weak ass city of brotherly love (current Lombardi trophies: 0). However I spent the weekend (one drunken night) there and I have to say its not all that shitty. I may not be allowed back in certain establishments for very good reasons but all in all it was a pretty bitchin' trip.

You know the drill:

Their baseball team is kind of good right now.

Ben Franklin lived there and was pretty beast at inventing shit.

The Roots are from there and refer to it as Illadelph.

They have mad historic shit everywhere, which is cool since I think America is fucking sweet and you won't find shit like that in lame ass places like where your mom lives.

Bamma of the week.

To me these next two months are the best in sports. The NFL is in full swing, college football is gearing up for the shit storm that is the BCS, and both the NBA and college hoops are getting moving. What better time to joan on arguably the biggest bamma of the last five years, one JJ Reddick. Here is the best article I've ever read on him.

Some things you should know about JJ:

He and I have started the exact same number of NBA games so far even though he was drafted 11th overall and the security people at Verizon chase me off the court when I get into layup lines during warmups.

He wears a T shirt to conceal horrible backne

He almost cleverly avoided getting a DUI by pulling an illegal U turn when he saw cops, but then failed in this ambitious endeavor.

Similar to all little bitches, he cries when he loses, which is often.

Quoting Michael Scott? Totally worth detention.

On your horse!

We used to say 'on your horse' to guys when they needed to run faster to catch up on the soccer field. See how I intro-ed seamlessly into another video of drunk people? Flawless.

This guy is a huge fucking moron.

As part of Dallas week, I will joaning a fair amount on the bamma ass cowboys. Tonight we have the pleasure of reading some of the eloquent prose of former dancing queen Emmitt Smith. He is a true man of letters, having received his degree in Public Recreation from the University of Florida in 1996. This rigorous academic preparation would allow Mr Smith to rise to join an elite group of highly articulate on air analysts.

Here we go:

On Bill Parcell's being hired to run the Dolphins: "He's goin change how the front office even think."

On leadership:
"He's giving them all the confidences they need... he giving them the confidence that he need."

On perception:
"The way you perform make them feel about you different."

On press coverage:
"Why doesn't... don't the defensive players put their hands on Randy Moss? Don't back back."

On convicted felon Mike Vick:
"He has a chance to correct those things once he come back outside."

DUI? DUI.

Don't judge this man who has apparently extreme balance problems.

Steve Holt!!

Amazing news today. The AD movie is on like a motherfucker. This comes on the heels of the sequel to Boondock Saints announced recently. If you think Hollywood is reading my mind, then that makes two of us.

That just happened

Tough day for blogging as I have a ton of work I should be doing right now. Please enjoy the following video while I attempt to not procrastinate:



My favorite part is how awkward everyone gets after Joe drops the bomb. White people, they are reliably awkward.

Whoops!

Looks like that Botox infused loud mouth asshat of a clown Mr Jerry Jones is feeling the pinch of the credit markets.

Dagger.

Here are a couple savvy financial tips I can offer:

1. When estimating the cost of a new stadium (and receiving huge subsidies), don't be off by $550,000,000.

2. When making an investment with public money that will cost over a billion dollars, you might want to find a way to hedge your interest rate risk.

You can't expect a billionaire mogul from Texas to understand concepts taught in undergraduate finance. Or even realize that he should employ someone who is not a total doofus.

In an unrelated matter, Dallas currently is in last place and has a 2.50% chance of making the playoffs, where they have not won a game since DeMarcus Ware was 14 years old.

Fuck this noise

Our supposedly well educated current lame duck president has decided that his administration is apparently not finished completely fucking over the electorate. They are attempting to pass through some weak ass 11th hour legislation to further ban internet poker.

My problem here is that prohibition of activities deemed unwholesome by a minority of taxpayers does not benefit our country in an efficient way. We can point to a pretty strong example in 1920. When we banned booze, which lawmakers deemed a social ill at the time, it simply created numerous black markets in alcohol and transferred profits on the sales of booze to those willing to break the law. Now that booze is legal to sell, it is highly regulated (I can't even get a beer in the 4th quarter of a ball game) and generates substantial tax revenues that we need very badly these days.

In addition, banning gambling will be very costly as we will need to pay for all the enforcement costs incurred (identifying, prosecuting and incarcerating offenders).

Gambling is only a problem for those that choose to abuse it. Just like booze. Or tobacco. Or cars. Or any of the freedoms that we enjoy in a free nation.

Robots in disguise.

Yeah, they're pretty much everywhere.

Graph of the day.

It's the economy, stupid.

Times are tough out there. Unemployment is rising, houses aren't selling and even the morons from Detroit are looking for handouts.

If you happen to find yourself short on cash, get creative and try something like this.

Skins sign former Pro Bowler who sucks.

I hate it when we sign guys who used to be good, but now suck. Like this dickhead. Quick background on Mr. DeAngelo Hall:

He was a very fast person when he was younger
He and good friend Mike Vick enjoy wholesome pitbull related activities
He was cut by the Raiders
He is a fucking douche
He fucking sucks

Our newest Redskin was drafted really high (8th overall) to Atlanta. He would go on to become over-hyped due to his track speed and make a couple pro-bowls. I say over hyped since like an Irishman at the beach, he can't stop getting burned.

On the upside, we have invested "only" 492k (for 7 games). Hopefully he will not earn a long term deal from our very disciplined front office in that short time span.

I also hope that 33 year old Sean Springs actually finds his way off the couch and on onto the field.

Pic of the day.

The funny thing is, I am about 98% sure that this was actually done by my good friend who may or may not have attended school in Canada. If this isn't his work, then someone is egregiously ripping off his style.

Break yourself, fool!

Tomorrow I am paying for the privilege to run around in the woods of Leesburg, VA avoiding high speed projectiles (about 200mph). Kinda of like this guy, except with less padding and no wages.

Psyc! I am totally gonna light up any bamma that steps to me. Kinda like Omar, only slightly . . . no fuck that, exactly like Omar (ok, without the gay part).

I've never played before, but just the chance of seeing the below scenario play out is worth it:
If a player’s mask falls off during a game, he should immediately lie face down on the ground, and yell "Mask!" or "Goggles!" to alert game officials and other players to discontinue play until the player is able to replace their goggles.

"Goggles!!!"

This kid will go far.

Great pizza commercial or greatest pizza commercial of all time?

You decide.

Big spenders.

It tends to bother me when poorly informed fans or sports writers mention the fact that the Redskins spend sooo much money; occasionally they even liken us to the highest payroll team in America, the Yankees.

Some quick facts to bring up when you hear some moron making this 'argument'

1. In the NFL, there is a hard salary cap, meaning all teams can 'only' spend 116,729,000 per year on Player Salaries. Even though teams like though the Skins and Giants play in large, affluent markets and thus generate much more revenue than small market teams (such as the Cincinnati Bengals) we have the same limit to how much we can pay our players.

The MLB has no such cap which makes it all the more impressive when a small payroll team like the Rays ($44M) reach the World Series and win more games than the much higher salaried Yanks ($209M) and Sox ($133M).

2. The Redskins are noticeably absent from the following list; meaning we do not employ a single player in the top 20 highest paid players.

Bottom line: there exists a difference between what a team earns (revenue) and what they spend on player's (payroll expense). Please do not confuse the two when talking about teams subject to a hard salary cap (see addition reading for more salary cap goodness).

What out for this guy!

My friend Mr Harris (nee Clifford) appears to have some ill intentions regarding your female companions out there. Forewarned is forearmed, my friends.

I'll take "s" words for $500 Alex.

Don't sleep on swords. Literally or metaphorically. Either is a bad move.

party time

So apparently the majority black (55%) majority democratic (93%) city in which I reside had some reason to celebrate last night.



Congrats to Obama; he is smoother than you regardless of how smooth you are.

Hopefully his remarkable intellect and open-minded attitude will turn things around (and encourage investments in human capital), since the last bozo we put in the White House kind of fucked up if you ask me. Or America.

Kings.

This morning I woke up from a crazy nightmare were a vampire bit me, a fucking vampire! I think I dreamt this since I've been listening to this song a good amount (its about a vampire). Its called Closer by Kings of Leon and its fucking money.



Couple quick facts about the Kings:
-They claim that their music was influenced equally by their religious upbringing and Jack Daniel's.
-they have a fair amount of street cred
-Rolling Stone is a fan

Their latest album has achieved the coveted "beast" rating on my now very, very famous rating scale.

Dear Mr Carter

Well the Steelers and their fans came to town and earned a good old Joe Gibbs style, hard fought victory over the Skins on MNF. Where can I turn to ease my pain during these rough moments of the volatile NFL season? The best rapper alive does not disappoint with his latest missive.

Weezy F is at it again. A quick excerpt:

T.O. still looks like he's about to cry. It's getting ugly in Dallas, man. They're in last place now in their division? This is a disaster.

Does life get any better than Lil Wayne joaning on the bamma ass Cowboys? I submit that it does not!

Enjoy all the "analysis"

This evening I, like many fellow Americans, will be attending an Election Party/Hope the Guy We Support Gets Favorable Results in Incredibly Unreliable Exit Polls

Can't wait.


Enjoy the night, back to work.

Best beet farmer in Scranton

Today I would normally be watching football all day. However, since my Skins aren't playing until Monday night, I have the whole afternoon to hang out and blog.

Unfortunately, this crew of smokin' hot chicks just called and want to come play Thunderball (greatest drinking game ever; very fucking intense) at my mansion. Its a rough life I lead.

So here you have some entertainment while I'm off raging:

trick or treat

Hopefully you see today for what it really is, an awesome holiday where you can dress up like a fucking ninja and walk around with a sword (like I do everyday) without fear of getting arrested or socially ostracized. Also girls tend to skank it up a bit, which people seem to like. So get your costume together, have a couple drinks and start raging realizing that Halloween will be boring as shit in a few years when you finally grow up.

Total facial, Brodeur.

To my two friends who get the above Dodgeball reference, please write this down as possibly the most clever thing I have ever thought of. The rest of you, enjoy this tricky move and take notes, you might be in a hockey shootout in the near future, with only your wits to save you.

Me to Ben: Fuck your Couch!

So this dickhead of a QB who gets sacked a lot, threw 4 picks last game and has already led the league in picks once in his short career, is afraid of playing at FedEx. As he should be. Our fierce pass rush [ed note: sarcasm] and his weak O line are a match made in heaven.

Before I get ahead of myself, lets bring this Skins party back to reality. Our D is solid and has only achieved its strong 8 ranking while facing weak ass offenses (ranking) the Saints(1), Cardinals(5), Giants(3), Cowboys(7), Eagles(8).

Wait time out, we won all those games??? Shut the fuck up. And we're still the 8th ranked D? After shutting down those top offenses???

Ok, but lets talk about the team with the mascot whose sexual orientation is beyond reproach. They are getting lots of props by the four letter (ESPN), they must have beaten some good teams right? No, they only beat one team over .500?? The Ravens with the rookie QB??

Gametime. Fuck your couch.

blah blah politics blah

If you are like me, you have had more than enough of all these fucking political ads.

Shady Voice Over:
"Candidate X claims that he's pro-education, but then why did he vote against funding to help disabled children learn to read . . . 6 times! Maybe its time we ask who is the real Candidate X? And why does he hate children, freedom, apple pie and goodness so very much?"

I'm Candidate Y and I approved this message.

Enough. Have the election, vote in a bunch of two faced jerkoffs to replace the last round of douches that ended up not fixing all our problems like they said they would.

Some good friends have recently convinced me to vote (however fruitless and endeavor it is); so I will be standing in line to punch the card and get my button that signifies that I care so much about fixing our country that I am willing to actually take off half a day's work. Once every four years.


Like Dead Prez said, I'm down to run up on them cracka's in City Hall.

Apparently, you sir, are not a golfer.

First an upstanding Mr Adam Jones does the unthinkable and somehow gets himself another indefinite suspensions from the NFL after a minor altercation with a paid babysitter, and now this.

Who could have seen this coming? Maybe Nostradomus. Maybe. A drunken 'athlete' with a history of being a drunken redneck asshole goes and acts exactly like a drunken redneck asshole. Shocker.

Mr Daly did do us the kindness of distinguishing himself from the other mouth breathers in the drunk tank by going ahead and popping that collar. You see, he is a well compensated golfer, and quite obviously, looks and acts the part.

Bamma of the Week:

Alaska. Huge bamma ass state. Let's run through what they bring to the table:

Ted Stevens. This 144 year old asshole has been screwing taxpayers like you and me for years by driving pork barrel projects to his bamma ass state. Along the way, he decided that he was not fucking over voters enough and he decided to brazenly abuse his post by accepting (and not reporting) a butt load of gifts ($$$) from firms looking for political favors. Glad to see he might pay for his crimes following his recent conviction.

Sarah Palin. Possibly the worst running mate pick ever. She looks so embarassingly confused by simple questions from journalists that her handlers have restricted access to her by the evil 'gotcha' media to the largest possible extent. She has no foreign policy experience whatsoever (the fact that her supporters point to Russia's proximity to Alaska was a slap in the face to anyone with an IQ over 12) and seems to lack basic understanding of the largest problems that our nation currently faces. Bamma.

Any other notable Alaskans who are not medicore ballplayers or lame folk singers? No??

This Bamma ass state is cold to the point of being uninhabitable and doesn't even get sunshine for a few months every year. The fucking sun even needs a break from the dickheads there and abandons the state a couple months every year.

How can you not believe in re-incarnation now?

Its official, Farley is back like a mother fucker.

The City.

That's what I call Mr. Nick Young (NY get it; moving on). He might, might be able to jump slightly higher than me (according to this SportsCenter #1 Play):

Our good friend will likely be required to provide much of the scoring in the Wizards up tempo offense this season since that goofy fellow who usually makes it rain will be out for some time with his 3rd knee surgery in the last two years. Good thing we signed him to a manageable $111,000,000 six year deal. Wait, NBA contracts are fully guaranteed? You're fucking kidding!?!? Dagger.